A letter to my boys....

Well, since I've been having a really tough time working things out regarding my son with my ex, and the horrific weekend I had, I decided to write my feelings down regarding both of my children (unedited) at the time while flying from Newport News to Denver.....From being told I wasn't welcome somewhere where my youngest son would be to not being allowed to see my son, I just felt that I had to write something down that wasn't totally biased, something that came straight from my heart....Although my kids might not be able to understand this right now, I had to put it in terms that they will understand at some point so that I could get my point across....Well without further adieu...

Braden,

Hey buddy, just wanted to write you a letter and tell you that I miss you so much, and I can't wait until I get to see you.  I really wanted to see you this weekend while I was in town, but there were things that prevented that from happening...I didn't want that to happen at all. I tried my hardest to be allowed to see you, but I wasn't allowed to, and for that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I want you to know that I love you. I want you in my life, and I will never do anything to jeopardize that. I want to hold you, and spend time with you that isn't interrupted by anything else I have going on.  From this moment, I want to make a promise to you, and that's the promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure that you are taken care of and that I'm a part of your life and you are a part of mine.  I didn't move away because of you, I did it because I love you, and I want you to have a daddy who is happy and can give you the love and devoted attention that you need and deserve.

I've loved you since the day you were born, and that's never going to change.  I can admit that I wasn't the best at showing it for a long time, and I won't make excuses for that, but own up to my bad decisions and mistakes.  The only thing I can do now is ask for forgiveness, even though you are a child I will do that, and do what I can to right the wrongs of the past.  The past is the past, but it's the present and the future that counts. 

Regardless of how I feel about your mother, I will always try to put your best interests at heart, even if it means sacrificing my own. The only thing I want is to be the kind of father you can look up to, and I don't believe that means I have to distance myself from you.  I think it means that I need to be closer to you than ever, and influence and teach you to do the right thing every time, and I plan on doing that by leading by example, and that starts now.

Braden, until I get to see you again, you are in my thoughts, and I long for the day that I get to hold you and spend time with you....Just know that your daddy loves you, and always will, no matter what...

My oldest son....I barely know him.  I left Colorado when he was 6 months old..I ran away, and although I'm not proud of it, staying would have been worse and it has made me understand myself a lot better and my actions in the process.

Trevor,

I'm not sure how to write a letter to someone that I don't know.  As hard as that is for me to say, I don't really know you, but I can say one thing...I'm glad that you have such a wonderful mother, and a man who may not be your father, but has been a man in your life who was more of a father to you than I could be.  I want that man to adopt you, but your mom won't let that happen.  The reason I want that is because I feel like I am just taking away from what you could have by me not being able to be there for your during a a vital part of your life growing up.

I will always love you, as you're my son, but I feel that I haven't done my job very well as a father to you and for that I truly apologize. I want to be a part of your life, even if Joe adopts you, and I make a promise to you today that I will try as hard as I can to do that now that we are closer.