I won't....

...ever forget you
...ever stop thinking about you
...ever let you not cross my mind every day
...ever let your memory fade
...ever let you go
...ever give up

I can push it to the side, maybe to the back of my mind, but it will always be there.
They say the heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants you, and it always will.
I know my heart will find its way back to yours in time.
and I've never been more happy about something that I won't do.

I Won't Give Up

Well I Do Believe It's Someone's Birthday Today!

Someone has a birthday today.  That someone just happens to be my best friend Emma.  Since it is her birthday, I am going to post a blog dedicated in her honor (yes she is that awesome.)

If there was ever a person I was immensely thankful for being in my life, it would be her.  Even on my worst day, this girl can bring a smile to my face.  If I can't talk to her, I can look at her Facebook page, or I can look at the messages she's sent me....so far I have two napkins....one commemorating her love for the day after Monday..(only on tuesdays)....and one commemorating our survival of the end of the world (yeah, we've been through that much together!)

More often than not, I am at a loss for words.  Sometimes words can't capture the meaning of a friendship.  Sometimes words can't measure how deeply you feel for another person.  Sometimes the only thing that measures that is the feeling you get in your heart when you're next to someone, you talk to them on the phone, you video chat, you get a text message, etc..  So in those moments, I really don't need words.

I'm thankful every day that our friendship took the turn it did, and in the direction it went.  It could have ended abruptly and never started again.  I'm glad she's been a permanent fixture in my life for the past 4 years.  I literally would have went crazy had I not visited San Diego those few times, they really did save my life.

I'm happy to say that I can answer yes to these questions....

What if I fall and hurt myself?
Would you know how to fix me?
What if I went and lost myself?
Would you know where to find me?
If I forgot who I am,
Would you please remind me oh...
Cause without you things go hazy


I've known after these 4 years that our bond is stronger than ever.  Sure, we'll laugh together, we'll cry together, we'll fight and we'll make up.  Many people have come before her, many have been there in the middle, and others will come after her, but none will be like her, and nothing will break the bond we have, nothing.


I love you Emily, and thank you so much for evening me out for this long, it's definitely been a pleasure, and I'm looking forward to many more years of it.

Second Guessing

I heard a song on my iPod today, and when I heard the familiar lyric, I remembered how many times previously I had heard it, and how I took it literally and tried to apply it to the most important romantic relationship I've ever had.

"You can't lose something you never had.
So why miss the memory of something, that didn't exist."

I used to try to tell myself that I never had that love anyway, so why miss it?  I tried to fool myself into thinking that a relationship that short couldn't possibly produce that kind of feeling, that much passion, or that level of intimacy.

The thing is, now, a year and a half later, I hear those lyrics and I don't feel the same way.  I know in my heart that what I felt was real.  Although it was short lived, it was the deepest love I've ever felt for another person in my entire life.  I'll never be ashamed of that, and I'll never second guess the way I felt ever again.

Whenever things turn out badly or don't go the way we planned, we tend to second guess our actions, and revert to what-if scenarios.  We play these out in our head, seeing different outcomes, and it usually only makes us feel worse. 

We have two choices, either to make decisions or not to make decisions.  If we decide to make decisions, we have to live with those decisions, and those decisions sometimes also come with consequences.

What I'm learning now is to trust my gut, go with my instincts, and never second guess myself.

Back To a Time

The longer I live on this Earth, the more complicated life gets.  The more complicated life gets, the more I fight it.  The more I fight it, the more I fail miserably.  The only constant in this life is change, but I digress.  Yet still, I long for a time where life was simple.  Where your neighbor may have lived 3 miles away, but you could still call on that neighbor for almost anything.  Hugs were more common, family dinners happened every night, and a firm handshake was all the confirmation anyone ever needed.

We as a species and a humanity tend to over-analyze, yet the old adage "it is what it is," seems naive.  Every simple action we take warrants an analytical perspective to get to the ins and outs of the what, why, and how it happened and also the individual involved.  Love is love, hate is hate, anger is anger, and forgiveness is forgiveness.  Sometimes we need to remember that. 

I long for a time where we said what we meant, meant what we said, and did what we said we were going to do.  In a world of short cuts, easy outs, and people trying to get over on one another, why can't we just go back to that famous acronym, KISS (keep it simple, stupid.)

While I know I'm a nerd at heart, love technology, really enjoy staying connected, and talking about those things,  I really wish I had the time to step back for a while and enjoy a simple life.

Untitled

I don't blog often.  I used to post a lot of thoughts on Facebook.....on Twitter.....or other various social media sites, either out of a genuine want of attention (at least that's what people think), or an actual emotional need to put my thoughts and opinions out into the world knowing that others could see them (regardless of telling me how they feel about them.)

I think I'm getting closer to the point where I don't have to overshare anymore.  Sure, I like posting pictures of places I've been, things I've done with friends, random things I find beautiful that I come across, but I think that's normal.  We won't always have our memories, so when I grow old and senile I'd like to have something my kids can show me and say "you're not crazy, you actually did do that."  I'm really at the point where I don't feel I have to post every little random thought or observation.  If I have something important I need to get off my chest, I'm thankful to have a close group of friends that I can talk with if I need to, if something's bothering me or I'm having a rough day.

Since last Thursday I've been a ball of emotions.  I'm naturally an emotional person, especially when life events occur and send my emotions all over the place.  I lost my job last week.  I was let go because I made a decision to follow a process the way I thought it should be followed rather than asking for clarification.  I've never been fired from a job in my entire career, and to think that I could have done so very carelessly, leaves me broken and questioning my integrity.  While one part of me attempts to be optimistic, the pessimist side of me analyzes, and goes off into different scenarios and tangents of the who/what/where/why/when. 

We all reflect.  We analyze, we role play, we ask "what-if".  It's important to see the situation objectively, make a mental note of the mistakes, and make a plan to correct them.  It's important to take a step back and remove yourself from the situation for a while (which a good friend pointed out to me today) that way you can look at everything with a fresh eye and move on.  It's normal to speak with family or friends, and consult with those you trust, which I believe I've done, and which is why I'm hopeful for what the future may hold.

So I've titled this blog untitled.  At this point in my life I still feel the book of my life is untitled.  While there are many times I feel like I've lacked direction, I still enjoy living my life.  I like the person I am,  I'm happy with the way I treat others, but like most others, I'm still a work in progress.  I know that term is somewhat overused, but we are.  We try things, we learn, we make mistakes, we grow, we make more mistakes, we learn some more, and we meet some amazing people along the way.  I think that in the book of life, we write chapters, and the actual title doesn't come until the end after everything has been written and only then can we really define our lives.

I still have a lot of things to work on.  I'm 32 years old, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life.  I do know that I truly enjoy making other people feel good and enjoy seeing others who are genuinely happy.  If I could find a career that enables me to do that (with or without technology), I think I would be ok with that.  So while I'm still on a journey of self-discovery, and I'm enjoying every minute of the ride.