I heard a song on my iPod today, and when I heard the familiar lyric, I remembered how many times previously I had heard it, and how I took it literally and tried to apply it to the most important romantic relationship I've ever had.
"You can't lose something you never had.
So why miss the memory of something, that didn't exist."
I used to try to tell myself that I never had that love anyway, so why miss it? I tried to fool myself into thinking that a relationship that short couldn't possibly produce that kind of feeling, that much passion, or that level of intimacy.
The thing is, now, a year and a half later, I hear those lyrics and I don't feel the same way. I know in my heart that what I felt was real. Although it was short lived, it was the deepest love I've ever felt for another person in my entire life. I'll never be ashamed of that, and I'll never second guess the way I felt ever again.
Whenever things turn out badly or don't go the way we planned, we tend to second guess our actions, and revert to what-if scenarios. We play these out in our head, seeing different outcomes, and it usually only makes us feel worse.
We have two choices, either to make decisions or not to make decisions. If we decide to make decisions, we have to live with those decisions, and those decisions sometimes also come with consequences.
What I'm learning now is to trust my gut, go with my instincts, and never second guess myself.
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